Events of Last Fri Night & Why I posted My To Not Do List (sorry for delay)

I braided this guys hair & beard into 4 braids. He left them in for the rest of the night. I should have gone to beauty school.

The point when I really should have stopped drinking. 

Trying to distract everyone from the ugly bra image that just burned their retinas. Sorry but I haven't done laundry in ages. Why do you think I put this shirt on?! And yes, thats a nacho chip I'm licking. Mmhmm sexy, I know.

Fiance & me trying to look sober. No one was fooled.

Nothing like a nice crotch shot to end the evening with. 

My To Not Do List

1) Getting Drunk
2) Drunk Dialing
3) Drinking copious amounts of booze, especially on school nights
4) Saying I'm having only 1 drink, swearing it, then having like 8 or 10
5) Getting bombed with co-workers
6) Getting bombed with co-workers and complaining about other co-workers
7) Drinking with the sole purpose of getting drunk
8) Guzzling drinks till I vomit
9) Consuming alcoholic beverages till I can't remember my own address
10) Boozing on an empty stomach with the thought that food will just take up too much room

My To Do List:
1) Join AA

Hold That Thought, I'll Be Right Back.

Whats up with some guys having to run to the bathroom every half hour or so? I've met a few in my life where they go to the can more then any girl I know. For example, going to a bar for a couple drinks and they have gone 3X to my zero? This just isn't normal guy behavior. Most guys I know can drink 3 pitchers of beer before they have to go. Is it weak bladder, an STD, an intestinal thing, vanity!? What?! What is it that makes these guys run to the little boys room? And they're in there for longer then just to take a leak. Does anyone else know of this species of male?

Anyways, its late and I NEED to get outta here at 5.

Last Weekend In Review

FRIDAY NIGHT:
2 bar parties hosted by fiance's co-workers (one Wicker Park, other West Loop). Gallons of booze swilled. I had some wickedly sexy cleavage on display. Which is prob what brielfy reverted me to my old college self and thought fiance would like a surprise bathroom visit. HE did but all the other guys waiting in line didn't. Witnessed in-line pee dancing and jealous looks disguised as dirty ones. I just walked away smirking. Alas, karma hit me though when I was spotted peeing on my own shoes in an alley in the rain at the end of the night b/c women's line at the last bar had about a gazillion girls in it (which BTW was Hang Uppes and is the worst bar ever drunk OR sober. Don't ask. Don't. Just believe me. And it smelled.)

SATURDAY:
Hung over all day (I know, but at least I remembered what I did all night this time). Went to a fab dinner at Trattoria No. 10 on Dearborn. Had about 20 glasses of water. Busboy hated me. I hated girl sitting next to me. She resembled in every way a brunette Single White Female (the crazy one). In bed by midnight.


SUNDAY:
Yawn. Nothing special. Family shit.

TODAY:
Update to Doctor Dave Email!!!!!!!! Fiance wrote him back with very general deets last week (even said he was marrying me). Then for days we didn't hear back, till now. Nothing exciting but def. intruiging. Dr.D gave some more general info on himself and said he really wants to meet FI for lunch or a beer. Whta a mind fuck. All of a sudden out of the blue, 3 years later FI gets a "hey whats up" like nothing bad ever happened between the 3 of us??!! Like their non-communication and lost friendship were the result of a "too busy with life" or something.

Not normal. FI will meet with him but prob not until after we're all moved in next month. I'll update when their worlds collide yet again. Gee, I hope I still have a FI after that....

DOUBLE RARITY ON THE RED LINE!!
Chivalry still exists!!! On the el this morning, a kind man actually gave up his seat for me at Belmont. For really no reason. I mean I had a big, heavy bag, I was in a skirt and prob looked pissed off, per usual, but nothing screamed that I must have his seat. I politely refused at first but he said he was getting off soon anyways. I assumed it would be Fullerton so I accepted. Nope. It was Lake (my stoop). He rode the whole way in standing, ironically, on one of the slowest AND most crowded rides. Thing is, not only was he nice to me (which made my day) but he was hot! Hence, DROTRL. There is still hope, remember that the next time some asshole guy does/says/implies some asshole thing to you.

I'm Not an Addict. Really!

Intervention. A new reality series on A&E (Sundays 9pm, I think). This is def. making it on to my Tivo recorder.

The first episode was about a 38-year-old former stockbroker, addicted to cocaine and a three-time White House intern/award-winning student, who met a boy in college who initiated her into drugs and is now addicted to morphine and crack. Nice.

I saw the second episode. A prodigy child, Gabe, who at the age of 10 had an IQ of like 150 and was one of the youngest to graduate college. He ended up teaching classes at some college until he discovered the marvels of gambling. His mom & dad sold their house to pay some off his debt in addition to lumps of cash they have given him over the years ENABLING him to continue gambling. Their prodigy child has now turned himself into a degenerate gambler (he's only like 24 now). My favorite line was when Gabe demanded his family give him more $ and they refused. He yells "When you decided to have children you made a commitment to take responsibility (i.e. pay) for that child for his whole life." This guy is a jackass.

The other person on the show was an actress. A lady who had a role on ER for the first 3 seasons then quit, yes quit, b/c of "personal issues". I think she just got fired b/c she's, plain & simple, an idiot. She claims that her "personal issues" are that she's manic depressive, obsessive complusive, bi-polar & some other shit that you know she just she read about to mask her stupidity. Her REAL addiction, shopping. She lives in a studio apt. and pisses in your ear about how she spent her down payment for a house on clothes, mainly b/c nobody loves her. At the end of the show a residual check comes in from ER for $75m. I guess things are looking up for her.

Next episode: a vicodin addict who fakes her own prescripts and a cutter.

The show makes you squirm but is worth a watch.

I object!

Ok for the ladies in the know, guess who emailed my fiance late last night?! My ol' Doctor Dave. Yup. He emailed him and said "Not sure if this is still your email but if it is I just wanted to say hi. I think its time we started talking again."

For those of you who don't know, long story short, Dr. Dave, me & my fiance all met in college on our first day. Over the years a love triangle ensued. Break ups were established, new relationships began & ended, hearts broken, friendships ruined blah blah. In the end I chose my fiance. Me and everyone else who knows this story believes the Dr. had a crush on me from day 1 and wanted to marry me but instead ended up jaded and bitter.

Its been like 3-4 years since any of us talked to each other. And Dr. Dave ended it years ago with "you guys are so fing screwed up & pyscho, you're meant for each other. Don't ever fing call me again."

So, is he going to be the guy in the back of my chapel that stands up and says I object to this marriage?! I'm so curious! What's going on in that guys head? Has he found a new religion that requires him to make peace with his troubled past?!

OO I can't wait to find out! To be continued....

Color Blindness or Laziness?

I can't even wait to post this one today.

Guys, come on, at least turn the light on when you're getting dressed in the morning. You don't have to be a Queer Eye or anything but just put a little effort in to it. Trust me, you'd get more dates and no one will think you're gay just b/c you were able to match a couple colors. Oh yeah, and P.S., lets move past the striped shirts. If I see another "hip" stripe shirt I'm going to ressurrect the bunchy panty line. Exactly, those are no fun to look at either.

I just have to say Brown + Black = Never. Also, if I see another shoe tassle I'm going to have to snip it off. Really. I'm going to take my sissors, sneak under the table and cut that fing thing off. The only tassles I want to see are on some strippers nips.

It's almost distracting me from my work. Ok, well its not really him, its the blogging in general. Either way he fuels me.

I'm not saying spend a ton of money on what you wear but learn to at least coordinate it. Its a male fashion crisis. Gay men (and straight women) all over the city see him every day and just lower their head in disgust. For his sake, I hope he brought his lunch today...

Booze, Pills, Tiny & Tacos

Things that should not all happen in 1 night.

Friday night was tame (Hi Fredbeck!) and so was the first half of Saturday night but after that its all a haze. Sat started out innocently enough, met some friends at a crappy local Irish Bar, eat some grub have a few drinks and was supposed to go home. Well those plans severely changed, when a friend gave me a pill that was supposed to help me NOT get a hangover. Which would have been fine except it was a double dose and we didn't go right home. So to the Tiny we all went.

Sad to say, really, I can't even tell you what happened here. I can tell you that the next morning I found in my coat a crumpled napkin with a note on it to tell a certain bartender to ask a certain redhead out. I was informed that I intercepted that note like it was the code to launch a nuclear war on Russia (you owe me). Scary. I had some embarressing brown dribble marks down the front of my white tank (can only assume that its from 1 of the 3 chocolate martini's I demanded I must have b/c I was just sooo thirsty) and AND I broke my BITCH ring that I made at the Martha Stewart party, don't know how but its gone forever.

Next, apparently I wouldn't shut up about how hungry I was and insisted we make our way to the Burrito House. I don't even remember going but I'm sure there are people there that remember me! And to top the night off, fiance tells me I fell going up our stairs at home. That would explain the 3 new bruises I have and sore neck. I didn't touch the tacos, instead I slipped into a coma.

Sunday I spent morphing into my couch while my body screamed WTF did you do to me last night. Mind you, I was not hung over just sore. End of weekend. Thank Gawd.

Red Bud

The new Red Bull.

Beer with caffeine, ginseng, guarana extract, and natural flavor. Sounds delish, huh? Instead of Starbucks in the morning start shot gunning these, your co-workers will love you for it.

Seriously, what ever happened to the good ol' fashioned booger sugar? Why not just legalize that, after all essentially thats what this crap is but in a liquid lower dose form.

T.R. - This is a supurb example of yet another stupid idea pitched, accepted and launched by another stupid client. May they all burn in hell...and be wide awake for it.

Cheers!

If you think you have it bad, imagine the people who have to face this building every day when they go to work. 

On my wedding day, do not let me forget to take this shot. 

Or this one. 

Margarita Anyone?

It really is a beautiful thing to have the old company I used to work for still foot the bill for my happy hour.

T.R.: Mas tragos rapido y vamonos al Tiny!
BetweenBars: IIYA, iiya motto dorinka taishite T.R.!
Melmar: Help.

What is not a beautiful thing is watching your friends sobriety run for the hills. What it is, is funny! At least until you have to carry aforementioned friend 4 blocks to the car, pick her up off the sidewalk (but not without taking pics first), tell passersby that yeah she's sorta ok we think, stuff her in the front seat, get her home, pull her out then have her fall on top of you forcing you both to fall backwards into a big pile of mud & grass. Yeah that was the most fun. Really.

I'd post the damn picture but the instructions someone gave me are wrong!. Dammit dammit dammit.

Someone needs to help me. I'm on a PC btw.

* Picture eventually was posted but removed due to TR threatening to not be BFFs with me anymore. You blinked you missed it. But if you see me out, just ask to see it as I have it as a screen saver on my cell.

How I wish he'd hover above ME.

Why oh why did it have to be Sheen & Richards that broke up? S'okay, I can wait. There's still time...for both of us. I mean, Melinda Miller just rolls off your tongue, dammit.

Just wait, the day will come and there will be bottomless glasses of whisky, backstage passes, shameless flirting (masked as sympathy), spit swapping and eventually a couple other bottomless objects. You'll see.

http://newwestrecords.com/bb/album_pic.php?pic_id=86

Kindly Take These and Swallow.

Driving to work this morning, I'm going thru my neighborhood and up in the distance I see this guy walking down the street. He looks normal, a little overweight, but normal. As I get closer he's eyeballing me as I drive up. Then he stiffly shoves his arm in the air like he's hailing a cab. I check and, yes, I'm the only car on the street. I pull up next to him and now he's frantically shaking his arm at me and appears to be talking to himself. I pass him and see in the rearview that he's watching me drive away still waving his arm at me like the Statue of Liberty. To me, there are 2 reasons this occured, #1 I had a small child under my front bumper (I just thought that was a speed bump) or #2 somebody didn't take their meds today and snuk out of the house. I'm going all in on #2.

Gotta love the city. Have to as I'm stuck here for awhile (we bought the condo).

Also - Someone's 30th B-day (Tequila Red) is exactly 1 month from today. I'll bring the Xanax.