I'm Getting Stupider By The Day

I hope I can make this job hop happen...

The New Me

apparently has a black, disgusting mole in the middle of my left cheek.

My new driver's license has a spot on it. My ID does not. Guess which will be carried more often? At least until a month goes by and I claim the DL was lost and have to get a new one. Yes, I know it will be the same picture, but the spot came from poor production. Call me vain, call me "one of those people" but you all know you MFers are the same way about it and would get a new one too. It's even harder to accept b/c I had a great DL mug before that I just got in the last year. We called it the Barbi Doll. People actually complimented me on it when they IDed me. I thought for sure they would just use that pic but I guess when you change name and address, they don't.

Tried to change title & registration. I won't even go into details here about that waste of time. I have to go back to finish it. Swear words trailed me as I stormed out. Because of that, now I have to wait to go back in so they don't recognize me.

More annoying news, I have a new office mate. They swapped out the guy who is never here, is very neat and very quiet with a loud, "space challenged", messy (I think), talks about his kids all the time, almost always here guy. He positioned his computer so that he faces my back (the other guy had it opposite of me so the 3 of us in here when looking at our computers would not be in direct view of each other). There are 3 reasons I find this very uncomfortable:
1. I will now feel very self conscious about my ass and what may or may not be peeking out of the top of it.
2. He can see anything I do on my computer with a mere flick of the eyes.
3. It feels like someone is constantly looking over my shoulder.

Although I was successful in getting a new identity (partly), the rest of today totally blows.

I'm Calling It Karma

I get an email from my Dad the other day. Turns out he just received a resume at his own ad agency (that he owns) from the President of the company I used to work for, who laid me off causing me to be unemployed for almost 2 years but then also left (read as "was fired") himself right after. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Asshole.

I'm in the process of getting a copy of the guys resume. I'd like to see what a fired President of a Mid Size Chicago Ad Agency that is applying for a "account service person" (in his own words) position puts on it. I'm gonna ask that my Dad bring him in for an interview but to let ME interview him. I'll even take the day off work to do it. Ok maybe not, but it is a fun thought isn't it? I love my Dad for forwarding this entertaining little tidbit.

Hooked

is what PE is on American Idol & The Bachelor. I can't say that I'm not a little to blame for it.

* * * *
He also sends me this email today:
Colorado's Record-Breaking Snow!! Vail, Beaver Creek, Keystone, and Breckenridge have received record amounts of snow season-to-date (over 15 Feet so far at Vail). The conditions are the best they've been in 20 years! Don't miss out on the winter of the decade.

I'm dying to go skiing this year. We haven't been since our engagement (which, btw, was Feb 17, 2004.) I'm sad. I need to find a way to go. If I'm not turning Japanese then I don't care if its for 1 day, I need to go. Screw Jimmy Choos or curtains, I'll take the ski boots.

* * * *

Tomorrow I attempt the DMV for changing my name & address. If I make it thru the potential lines & paperwork without killing anyone, then I will officially be a brand new person. How often do you get to do that? Social Security is already in the works. Also an office I never want to visit again. It was a waste of time (and an eyeful of sweatsuits) with how long they take to process people. 2.5 hours, 4 people working and only about 6 people made it thru. Average processing time per person 5 minutes. I ended up leaving and just mailing my paperwork in, which I wasn't too comfortable doing. 2 weeks and I don't have my birth certificate back. Expedite the return of documents, my ass. Who wants to bet either I don't get it back at all and have to go thru the process of figuring out how to get a new one, or it gets lost and I have to go thru yards & yards of red tape to get it back? Bottom line, once I get the above taken care of then I can submit my EMT application.

* * * *

I found a class I can take to learn some basic Spanish in my old hood. A 6 week course, once a week. I think I have to check it out.

* * * *

Stupid fing lotto. I've put in about $30 this time b/c it kept rolling over, leaving a glimmer of hope out there. That glimmer has been squashed. 8 meat packers in Nebraska just won it. I think it came out to about $14 million each after taxes. I hate playing the lottery. Well, at least I have all my fingers and limbs though.

Put A Fork In Me

I'm so done.....with Vegas.....for awhile at least. Now I know this recreation will not be my best attempt, but I'm drained. This is as good as it gets right now.

Flight delayed an hour going out. Got in, met PE at Paris. I was exhausted. Shamefully, I never left the room that night. I tried getting up a few times but ended up saying oh just 1 more hour won't hurt. PE partied and gambled with his brother (who was out there on business).

Sat morning I had a mani/pedi at 10am. I was up by 6am and down on the floor by 8:45ish. PE hadn't come home yet so I put a call in. He was at Mandalay. His bro just left so he was on his way home too after he played out his last hand. I get a call back. He tells me he has some paperwork to fill out. He hit the video poker on a royal flush. Payout = $4000.00....cash.

I hook up with PE after my horrible experience at the Paris salon. Nothing like sitting in a pedi chair with 2 huge maintenance guys working on the broken chair next to you, in very close quarters, shoving their asses in your face, staring at your tits, grabbing a hold of the arm on your swivel chair as they kneel down jerking your chair around, placing heavy wooden covers on top of and smashing your fancy satin sequin shoes that you have never worn before, sticking their hand in between your legs into your tub trying to get to the drain b/c now your chair isn't working, all the while freezing to death in the artic AC they have cranked. (sidenote, she filed my nails too short and somehow managed to make 4 of them split so bad I had to file them practically off.)

Anyhoo, after I warmed up and could put my shoes back on, PE went down to have a quick drink before we grabbed some food. Before you know it PE does this:


which leads to

That would make 2 hits in less then 7 hours. He hasn't ever hit it in the years he has played it.

Now we head over to Ceasars for some sushi & shopping. I had my heart set on finding some Jimmy Choos. Which believe it or not, I didn't like any in the store. I mean, yeah I liked some, but they just weren't anything special. Nothing wowed me enough to spend $600. I pocketed my share and said I'll shop Chicago. Oh poor me, right?!

Back to Paris we go. Stop at another middle bar for a drink before we head back up to the room for a minute. Believe me or not but here we go again:


3 times in less then 24 hours. The odds of that happening once to someone is like 1 in 65,000 or something.

So we hook up with his brother again and long story short had a blast. Booze poured freely, literally. We ended up at Mandalay Bay late night to watch the hookers & pimps do their songs and dances. One guy walked in and he looked like a young James Brown. Wild slicked hair, obnoxious suit. I took a picture from across the bar (I was hammered by now) and I could see and sort of hear his "posse" getting all angry b/c I took his picture. I quickly put my camera away, looked away and acted like nothing happened hoping none of them would walk over. We left right after. PE's brother went home we went back to Paris.

It's about 5-6am now, I'm blitzed and PE is trying to get a seat at a poker table. He gets one and I sit at the bar across from him. Not sure how it started, but I negotiated with some guy who I think was from Russia about "my worth". I threw out $500 just to get up to the room. Now people, I had no intention of doing anything with anyone, I was drunk and playing a game, as games are played in Vegas. Either way, I couldn't tell you much after that b/c PE stepped in, shooed the guy away and sat me back at the bar where the bartender asked if "that guy was bothering me." Heh. Curiousity got the better of me. A few more drinks, some drunken sloppiness and I was quickly deposited in the room.

I woke up who knows when, 11 I think, and our flights left at 2:50. I somehow managed to take a bath and fall back asleep. This is what I looked like leaving the hotel to go back home:



Pretty, I know. Actually, I managed to tame it down a bit but it didn't get much better then this. I flew home hiding behind my Jackie O sunglasses the whole way. Including the shuttle bus from the terminal to my car in the dark. At the end of that flight, the shuttle and the car ride home I fought the overwhelming urge to vomit (Granted I wasn't nauseuos until towards the end of the flight which is when the girl sitting in the middle seat in my row was overcome with a sudden attack of swamp ass). That put me over the edge. I thought for sure I was gonna have to pull over on 55 in the freezing cold to puke on the side of the highway. I made it to the condo but beelined it to the bathroom. Needless to say, the rest of that night went down the toilet. Lucky for me I didn't have to work on Monday. Plus when I saw this:

It made it all well worth it. Viva Las Vegas. Cheers!

Almost There!

7.25 hours till I'm on a flight

Where this time I'll be staying at

And while PE is doing this

Much to his dismay, I'll be doing this



PE flew out last night. I get a text message saying

were on his flight.

The Verdict

is..........IN. Surprise! Sorry to keep you waiting. She does look a little sick though. I'll give her that. I guess it has evolved into a big sinus infection that somehow invaded the work done on her tooth. She may be leaving early today. I say its a case of staying up late drinking wine with your husband "celebrating" Valentine's Day and being hung over. But thats just my opinion. Now don't get me wrong, she's a very kind, smart, funny person and I don't mind at all working with her. This is just her quirk. Everyone has at least one. Luckily her's isn't being a raving looney asshole (like I've worked with in the past).


******
Approx. 50 hours till I leave for Vegas and 54 hours till I'm IN Vegas. Be jealous.

******

Lately PE is having reoccuring nightmares about me leaving him for another man, specifically right before we are to be married. He's trying to figure out why but the fact is dreams are such enigmas. Are they your subconscious telling you something about yourself that you are afraid to admit or confront consciously? Are they just re-enactments of past events with add ons? Are they a coping mechanism trying to prepare you for something, possibly something inevitable? Are they premonitions of things to come? Or are they just complete bullshit jibberish so don't bother analyzing or weeding thru them for symbolisms and true meaning? I mean I dreamt I had a penis before. Does that mean I want one? Sorry but no. Does it mean I've had one in the past? haha NO. Does it mean I am scared of them. No (well maybe those foot longers.) Does it mean I will grow one? No. Does it mean I like to play with them? Yes.

But you see dreams are impossible to interpret let alone address with standardized meanings. Two people could dream about the exact same thing but both will be interpretted differently by others and even themselves. Even if a skilled professional can come up with what appears to be a logical explanation of support for their interpretation, who knows if it's even right? The person having the dream? I don't think so. Which, can we even use the term "right" when addressing dreams? Again, I don't think so. Anyone can only speculate at best about its meaning or if there really even is a deep rooted one. There just isn't any real scientific proof that a dream HAS to represent something let alone be a "right" represenatation. For all we know it could just be our minds making up movies for our subconscious' mere entertainment casting ourselves as the characters while our bodies rest with absolutely no meaning attached to it. Some are scary movies, others adventurous, amorous etc. Just like the boob tube we watch during our waking hours.

Who knows. What I do know is I'm not leaving him, there isn't another man and I love him dearly. BUT if it did happen I'd get the condo. After all the wife, in most cases, is awarded the homestead, suckah, especially after I prove you neglected me for internet chat rooms, poker & porn. So don't bother going all War of the Roses on me. ; )

P.S. Dear, here's your Valentine's Day shout out that you were so disappointed in not seeing posted on here yesterday. TILL DEATH US DO PART, remember? Now stop having those stupid dreams. Love you!

P.P.S That all sounds like I've been smoking some killer weed today, doesn't it? Hmm. Just say no....

Reasons My Manager Habitually Comes In Late, Leaves Early Or Just Doesn't Come In at All

Compiled over the mere 7 months I've been here, are almost always taken on Mondays and occasionally on Fridays and list is just about in order as the excuses came (sick times sprinkled within).

1. Alarm didn't go off. (late)

2. Power went out. (late)

3. Have to go to court for her dead mother's estate hearing and/or court ran over, court didn't finish business have to come back, need to get additional paperwork (this one was recycled many times to come late, leave early or not in at all).

4. Brother came to town unexpectedly so have to take care of (late. rumor has it apparently he's a loser but I have no insight as to why or how. this one was used twice.)

5. Aunt came into town and is staying with me. (late)

6. Have to take Aunt to airport. (late)

7. Water heater broke guy is coming to fix. (late)

8. Driving HS kid to school. (late)

9. Picking HS kid up from school, different day. (early)

10. Taking kid to ballet. (early)

11. At PTO board meeting. (late)

12. PTO board meeting ran late. (late)

13. Get to meet HS Priniciple after PTO board meeting. (late)

14. Preparing for a dinner party for guests. (early. multiple occasions.)

15. Stuck in traffic. (late)

16. Road construction near house. (late)

17. Got a flat tire b/c of road construction. (late)

18. Have to get flat tire fixed. (late)

19. B/c was so late coming in parking garage is full so have to wait for a spot to open. (late)

20. Was rear ended by an illegal immigrant who didn't speak english and was driving someone elses car. (really late. this may be legit but #21 I don't believe.)

21. Over the next 2 weeks after car accident took 2 days off and another 2 days to come in late. Insurance papers, police department visit, car estimates, court?? Whatever.

22. Picking car up from shop. (early)

23. Have a fever. (no show)

24. Just don't feel well. (LOTS of lates and a handful of no shows)

25. Didn't feel well so just slept in to make self better. (late)

26. No reason but just slept in. (late)

27. Husband's business associate died, going to wake (very late. This notice was given to me the morning she was going. Like she wouldn't have known days in advance that the wake would be then.)

28. Can you guess this one, going to the funeral. (late. Again got this one the day of and she said she didn't know about it.)

29. Slow day so just gonna leave early. (early)

And the latest and greatest:

30. Dentist appointment (I got this notice a day in advance that she would have left early but then #31 happened.)

31. Day of the dentist appt I got a call in the AM saying she lost a filling and was in pain. Luckily she had her appt so she would just take care of it then. But she would not be coming in at all that day now. Next day she came in late (which was yesterday) and was 100% fine but also left early to go finish the dental work (huh??). Lead in to #32...

32. Feeling very sick now, very painful, face all swollen, in extreme pain, have to go back to doctor, in so much pain NOT COMING IN (Valentine's Day), but I can reach her at home or on her cell. Did you get that she was in excruciating pain? Yet for someone to mention the pain so many times you didn't hear it in her voice AT ALL. She called in later at 4,when she knew I was in a meeting, to leave a message that she was just checking in, that she was in so much pain that she's just doing things to keep her mind off it like calling me, the pain is just so overwhelming, she should see me tomorrow but the pain is so bad, hope my day went well and have a great night! All said in a cheery, unwavering voice with some laughter here and there. Uhm,didn't she go to the doctor, didn't the doctor give her something to at minimum dull the pain? She didn't say she wasn't coming in tomorrow but how much do you want to bet that when I get in there tomorrow I have another voice message saying she won't be coming in??

POINTS TO PONDER
A) This woman appears to be so sick all the time with a wide variety of ailments you'd think she'd be dead by now. Especailly since she NEVER GOES TO THE DOCTOR.

B) I've had multiple old fillings drilled out and replaced in one sitting that took only an hour to do! How the hell can 1 filling that fell out take 3 days to fix? And what kind of dentist is working on you that they fucked up so bad it makes your face swell and causes you such extreme pain?

C) Usually when someone calls in sick or is late coming in, someone emails the whole team the news as an fyi. I did this on 2 occasions for my manager. I thought I was doing what I'm supposed to do, right? Wrong. the next time she called in for whatever reason she casually ended it with "oh and you don't have to send an email around. I've already called XXX (her manager) and let her know. So its really not necessary...ever." Now why do you think this is....


In any case, as much as this is an inconvienance to me, on many occasions it also has its benefits. I myself get to slide by coming in late. Its always a debate if I should put the courtesy call in to let her know. You see chances are she's leaving me the same message, so if I don't leave mine odds are she'll never know I came in late. Note: late for me is 9:15, late for her is 10 or 11. So if I need to come in late, leave early or not come in she really can't say anything about it and she has been very accomodating of this. But I don't take advantage of this as much as I probably could get away with. I would just feel too guilty, not to mention it probably would eventually lead to my dismissal.

Stay tuned to see if she makes it in tomorrow or not....

I Love You So I'm Going to Stab You

Happy Valentine's Day.


This day always brings me back about 5 years to when I received my first, and thankfully, only stalker letter. I went in to work one day, checked my email while sipping my morning coffee, just like every other day when I saw it. It was from an old high school friend who I hadn't seen in about 7 years. The reason we didn't see each other in 7 years is b/c I quit that friendship.

We were JUST FRIENDS in high school. He was one of the few people that I bothered spending time with. I knew he was always a little odd, but thats what I liked about him. Plus I always thought he was gay but just didn't come out of the closet. Never had any issues with him. Then I went away to college. We talked on the phone. We wrote letters. Nothing out of the ordinary. Until he came down to visit once.

He came down and long story short, acted like a jackass jealous boyfriend poopooing my life down there and all the friends I made. He left. I stopped calling & writing as much b/c THAT is when I realized for the first time that he was just too wacky for me and I certainly did not want to "lead" him on anymore. Eventually I stopped all contact.

Well, he didn't like that too much. He called obssessively and would leave sarcastic nasty messages for me. When I would come home for breaks he would drive by my house, stop by unannounced and call and call and call a lot of times just hanging up if it wasn't me who answered (*69 proved a lot of these). One time my Mom answered and I told her to tell him I wasn't there. He was bold enough to tell my Mom, "I know her car is there so is she really not there or are you just saying she's not there b/c she told you she doesn't want to talk to me. Whatever, just tell her I called." Keep in mind I've already told him to stop calling, coming around etc. I'm not interested and he's freaking me out etc. So I've done my due diligence.

Eventually, it all stopped. Never heard from him again. There was one time I thought I saw him on the highway. I was driving and this car sped up to drive even with me. I sped up, it sped up. I looked over briefly and thought I saw him in the passenger side. He was staring at me and when I looked over he smiled kind of in the way he used to and waved. I floored it and exited at the first chance I got. If it was him, he looked sick. Very thin, pale & just sickly. But never heard from him or of him.

Then February 14, 2001 came around. He sent me an email. Of all the times to send one, he sent it on VDay. Not only that, he sent it just after midnight. It's like he waited for it to be Valentine's day. It was like 2 pages long and it went on and on about how he missed me. That he loved me from day 1. That I was the best thing that ever happened to him. We had a special connection that he's never found with anyone else. That he kept every note, letter or piece of crap we every exchanged on a shelf above his bed. That the one time we went to the beach was the best day of his life. That we could just "be" and not have to talk. On and on it went with all these creapy memories and realizations. It freaked the fuck out me. I should have saved it but somehow I don't have it anymore.

Then it dawned on me, how did he get my personal email? I never gave that to him. So I had to figure out where that came from. Turns out I had registered at Classmates.com. As I was debating on whether or not I should respond to him and if I did how should I, I called Classmates to find out more info. He paid money to send me an email thru Classmates. Classmates doesn't give your email address out, they send on your behalf so he doesn't know mine but I can see his. If I replied to his email then he would have my email. In the end I never replied.

A few weeks later I got the following:

From : "Stalker Boy"
Sent : Tuesday, March 6, 2001 8:19 AM
To : "Melmar"
Subject : Thanks!
You're no fun. You could have turned my $30 investment against me and used it to tell me why you can't stand me. Oh well. Maybe I wouldn't want to get to know you again anyhow. You might have a tattoo on your lower back, hang out in bad suburban sports bars, and like Limp Bizkit or something.
SEE YA AT THE REUNION!


From : "Stalker Boy"
Sent : Tuesday, March 6, 2001 4:29 PM
To : "Melmar"
Subject : over and out
Well you're no fun. You could have turned my $30 investment against me and used it to respond to the last e-mail telling me why you can't stand me or something. Oh well. Maybe I wouldn't want to get to know you again anyhow. You might have a tattoo on your lower back, hang out in bad suburban sports bars, and like Limp Bizkit or something. In which case I thank you for not responding.
SEE YA AT THE REUNION!
"making girls cry since 1974"

At first glance you think these are the same email. Look closer, there are a few differences. They were sent hours apart, subject line is different, copy changed slightly and he added a tag of "making girls cry since 1974." You try figure this one out.

These concerned me even more b/c I did have a back tattoo that I got after we stopped beig friends, I did hang out a suburban sports bars (thats all there is in the south sububs) but I didn't listen to Limp Bizkit. I felt like he had seen me somewhere. That he could be lurking around a corner for me somewhere. This time I called the police and asked what I should do about this. Should I send them a copy, make a report what??!!! All they said was to keep a record and if it continued to come in. Well lucky for me, it didn't and I have never heard from him again. He did piss me off triple though b/c I did want to go to my HS reunion but now there was no way in hell I'd go. It would have been that summer. Although, from what I could find out I don't think it even happend b/c of low interest which = no funding for it. He must have been crushed.

I've never heard from the guy since. If you have your own special Valentine's Day Love Knife story, please do share.

Gesundheit

(best comic strip made ever)

Sneezing while driving in traffic is fun.

Sneezing and having something happen that looks like below in traffic, would be even more fun.


(edit: for proper spelling for Gesundheit)

In Danger My Ass

Does anyone else believe that official spin statement? She looks pretty calm to me. This story makes me sick. No charges have been filed. But if it was a nonceleb you know either that person would be fined to the sky and possibly the kid removed and put into foster care while the case worked its way thru the system. Instead laws seem to not apply to celebrities. Congratulations Brit you have now reached Jacko status, you jackass. You must be so proud.

These are two people that just shouldn't have been allowed to breed.

SuperBowl & Other Stuff

So the Steelers won. Bettis retired. I'd say the most noteworthy moment about that game, besides Bettis getting his TD and retiring, was how a friend of ours, a HUGE Steelers fan, paid $4M just for his tickets to sit in the Steelers end zone, front row and got kicked out at half time b/c he puked all over himself. We discovered this nugget when we called him after the game ended to see how much fun he was having. Call went something like this:

PE: So are you freaking out right now?
Puker: I'm havin the besss time maan. I'm sooo drunk rahght now.
PE: So where are you at now?
Puker: Huh? Uhh, I dunno. Soo, HEY, who won the game??
PE: What the hell are you talking about? You're THERE.
Puker: Dude, I'm sooo hammered. I got kahcked out man. Kicked OUT. Ken you bahlieve it?!
PE: WTF? How come? When?
Puker: Gaht me duuude, lahk awhile agooo, I'm not sshure.
PE: Well, did you see the Rolling Stones?
Puker: Yeah? YEAH I did maan, they fucking rocked!
PE: Ok did you see anything after that?
Puker: Uhh, nahhh, No. I don't think so. I puked all over myself. Then somehow I got kicked out.
PE: Idiot. Well sorry to tell you, buuut...
Puker: No. NO, NO WAY MAAN, Ahhh MAN! Fawk Yea man!! Whoohoo...static. Click.

We don't know if he lived thru the weekend. Also, the night before the game, he paid a ton to go to some other party, Hawaiin Tropic or something, but got too shitfaced and skipped it. He didn't know it then, but would have met Bettis. Fool. I just hope he really did have as good of a time as he thinks he did.

*****

Now for the big news. I had a career meltdown this weekend. It started with my dear husband surprising me Sat night with dinner reservations at a 5 star Zaggot rated Italian Bistro named Merlo over on Lincoln (all thanks to his poker buddies, losaahs!). The food: fantastic, service: mewh, booze: they were out of Captain if that says anything, atmosphere: loud, price: pricey. But overall good. I had a couple glasses of wine, mind you only a couple (I was good TR!), then we headed home.

There on our couch something hit. I'm not quite sure how it happened or where it sparked from but before I knew it I figured out my next career move. And this wasn't a booze induced rant, where you ramble on and on slurring out your thoughts in a jumbled mess where you're not even sure if you made sense to yourself. Granted, PE informed me the next day that I did in fact ramble but it was only b/c I actually got excited. Excited for something that I've wanted to do for a long time but haven't been able to b/c of time & money. Plus this seemed to be a good fit for what I feel I can achieve.

You see, I'm not sure how much longer I can just sit an office cube (it's not even a private one at that) cursing the flourescents. Deep down I have realized, sort of recently, that I don't I like what I do anymore. It's a job. No feeling associated to it, no sense of "real" accomplishment, and no "real" meaningful challenges (unless you count being able to write a kick ass document outlining what it is I do and how others are supposed to do their job so I can do mine). I'm not giving anything back. I just don't feel good about myself. I've always longed to really be doing something else meaningful but in college, later on, I had no idea what that was so I've just kind of landed by default where I'm at now. It wasn't really a choice to do what I do, just what I as able to find that could pay my bills and sustain a particular lifestyle. So I guess maybe what I'm feeling now is a sense of being trapped. What I do now is the only thing I'll ever be able to do.

When I was unemployeed for over a year it was painfully obvious that I couldn't land work anywhere else but in THIS industry. I couldn't even be a bank teller if I wanted to (over qualified). And even the positions I'd apply for outside of the industry weren't things I really wanted to do with my life but were just jobs that I should have been able to get to pay my bills. I really wanted to go back to school for something in a specific area (but if I tell you now I'll ruin the end of this story) but couldn't. Unemployeed, blowing thru savings to live, it just wasn't an option.

In the mean time, I finally was able to find a job that paid meager wages but no benefits. The fact was it was something that I originally had went to college for. It was a job at the Treehouse (a cat house for strays) working as a vet assistant. I was so happy to get it #1 it was a paying job #2 those positions usually never pay and #3 I always wanted to be a vet, so working with the animals again I knew would be fulfilling for me despite the low pay (I worked at a vet & a horse farm junior high thru high school). I was thrilled to accept the offer. Turns out though, that same day I was offered another position I interviewed at with another small SMALL ad agency that paid a lot more & had benefits. Realisitically, I had to take it and I did. I called the Treehouse back and bowed out. They were very disappointed. So much so that I could never go back there to even volunteer if I wanted to. I don't think they'd let me.

Since then I have moved on from that small agency but still am in the industry. It pays well, I have pretty decent vaca time & its fairly easy. But that's it. Other then that I feel nothing for it. Empty. Maybe its b/c I have no drive or maybe it's b/c I just know its not what I want to be doing with my life for the next 30 years (nevermind the fact that this industry probably wouldn't allow me to stay at one place for 30 years). So I sit here and think to myself, what do I REALLY want to be doing.

Well people, for as far back as I can remember I have wanted to be in the medical field in some capacity. I wanted to be a vet since I was a little girl. I couldn't hack it when I went to college. Part of that I truly believe was I wasn't ready for college then. I was raised in a fairly restrictive household. So when I went away I went wild. I had no discipline, no perception of how my partying & skipping class would effect me in the long run. I went to a shitty HS, I had a mediocre education background at best. Bottom line I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR COLLEGE. Oh I was ready for the college lifestyle but not the education side of it. I guess back then I just thought it wouldn't be hard, I'll somehow get thru it, no big deal. It's too complicated to write about here but I just wasn't ready to go to school for something that would be preparing me for a lifetime career. That it's really kind of a one time shot.

In the end I went back home and finished out my college education at the local university. I got my head out of my ass 2 years after I started school but b/c I failed so badly so early on it was difficult for me to go back into any medical field. #1 b/c I really had no other direction or idea of what to major in b/c all I ever knew was veterinary science and #2 Maybe I was scared to even try again b/c of my pathetic attempt earlier and #3 I had no idea really what else was there besides being a doctor or a nurse (now to me in my head back then, being a nurse was the same route as a vet and if I couldn't be a vet then I couldn't be a nurse AND I also just viewed it as cleaning bedpans). Either way I eventually graduated with that piece of paper saying I have a bachelors degree in business, minor in marketing along with a very respectable GPA. Business was the safe route and I knew I could do it but it was, again, by default.

So knowing what I know now, I would have approached college from such a different angle. I would ace those classes now. My focus and drive is in such a different place now. But I had my opportunity and blew it. So I am where I am now b/c of that and only b/c of myself. And I hate it.

Now back to Sat night. On my couch from out of no where all the above somehow swimmed around in my head. All I could say is I want to be in the medical field. But to do any of that you have to go back to school. That costs time & money, one of which I certainly don't have. I could manage the time part but money, no way. I have enough debt as it is that I can barely manage.

So what can I do?? I don't remember how it came up or who said it and I know I've never thought of it before. But the words EMT were thrown out there. Emergency Medical Technician. It's just a certification program with minimal expense and there is a demand RIGHT NOW for minorities and women. So there you have it. I will be submitting my application as soon as I change my name and officially have proof of residency (we keep our cars registered in the suburbs for lower insurance rates). This is the closest I can come right now to what I origianlly set out to do. The pay will certainly be a cut for me (but depending on where I end up not so much) and the hours erratic. Plus there is tuition reimbursement (maybe I could still be a nurse?), benefits and a pension (but thats only if we stay in Chicago for 25 years, that my friends may not be an option!).

But you see, I get to make a difference. If I only saved one life that will be more then I ever do wasting away in an office cube. It's exciting, its challenging, there are administrative options later in life that pay more then just being an EMT and mainly it's worth while. An EMT fits a lot of what it was that I was originally motivated to do. To help in any way to sustain/ressurect life, cure, or ease the pain of others (animals or people). To me that is what is fulfilling. Granted there will be assholes out there refusing treatment or not realizing the levity of what an EMT did for them but I WILL. And thats worth it to me. It will make ME feel good about what I do. I will have some worth and I will be giving back something instead of just taking (like my paycheck now).

So there you have it. All I can do is apply right now and keep my fingers crossed that I get a call back for the next step. If the only requirements to apply are a HS diploma, 18yrs old and proof of residency, then I should hope I have a good shot of making it to the next level. This is so exciting yet very scary for me. I would be giving up a chunk of my salary, a lot of time (that my husband would support. And since we have no kids and prob won't have any thats not an issue either) and my safety could be jeordized at times. But the pay off in the long run would be so very worth it. Plus I think if I was able to be an EMT, even if for a little while, but found out it isn't exactly what I want, I really think it could open doors for me to other areas in the field that I may be better suited for.

I think its time I took the risk. Wish me luck.